There is always a point of transition between the point of ‘was’ and the next point of ‘am’; I am caught in between these two points and am riding some pretty tumultuous waves of the changing sea.
The sexual aspect of my nature is going through the most difficult birthing process I have ever known. Simple questions like what are some of my fantasies leave me standing mid stride, lost in thought. What are some of my fantasies? Such a simple question has thrown me into a confusing whirl of self discovery. Sexual exploration was never part of my menu…repressed? You bet. Unwilling? Hell no! But honestly, I am trying to figure out what it is that I like and dislike, and how would I know if I haven’t tried it yet? I am looking at the past and realize how little I have acted out on my sexual needs/wants/desires. Over time, an invisible wall of reluctance based on a lack of trust in my partner developed and became a hardened ball of intimidation and fear.
This fear has kept me from acting out on what I perceive as selfish fantasies, and has kept me disabled from exploration. Over the years, being a mother, caretaker, wife/partner taught me well enough to give, but not how to take and this has always been apparent in the bedroom. Don’t take this wrong, it isn’t like I haven’t known pleasure, but I do not know how to verbally express and take what I want sexually, despite my being incredibly assertive in the real world. No one who knows me would guess how timid I am to express myself in this venue when it comes right down to it; it goes against my visible temperament too much. The most ridiculous thing of it all is that all this time, I realize that I have been looking for a partner to read my mind, translate the warped shit that spins in there and act appropriately for my pleasure. Looking at it from this angle, I realize how selfish THAT is!
So here I sit with a challenge before me. A willing lover who wants me to communicate and express myself; wants me to tell or even write out what it is I want; a single fantasy to start with. I have been stumped. Not because I don’t have one or two, but silent about it until now and afraid to reveal my innermost sexual self.
THIS moment is my transition.
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It's actually not a simple thing, if you think about it, figuring out what our fantasies are. What are our deepest self-projections and desires? And do we have the courage to face them? Those are some pretty heavy questions. I think we all have to face them at some point in our lives. But the facing down is also where empowerment comes in. So I am excited for you!
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